We've all got one; a group of friends who get together and talk about food, share recipes and techniques and generally shoot the shit. Ours just happens to be foul-mouthed and unabashed. This blog is a collaboration of authors (even occasionally male!) who share a love of booze, profanity, food and bitching.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

A change of pace.

Since neither Dez nor I have been posting enough about cooking related topics, but we are both vociferous, opinionated and witty on many other topics - and also because I've been told lately that I am freaking hilarious when I rant on Facebook about the state of fashion these days - I've decided to extend the subject matter of this blog from strictly culinary to also including fashion. Specifically, "plus-sized" women's fashion. Needless to say, since we both enjoy cooking so much, both Dez and I fall into that category.

As a preface, I have always been a big girl. I was born nearly two feet long and doctors were telling my mother that I'd be over six feet tall when I was just a little kid. We laughed and thought I'd probably be tall, oh, let's say around 5'10-5'11", but who ever heard of a woman over six feet tall? Well by the time I was thirteen and in middle school I was already 5'11" and shot up to 6'2" by the time I graduated high school. As a result, to keep my internal organs safe from the threat of a violent collapse-y smushed death, my frame had to be a bit large.

Everyone expects fat people to be lazy or eat unhealthy or something that would cause them to be solely responsible for their body while people who are good and do things the right way get to stay skinny. In high school, I was actually very athletic. I was on the swim team and spent three hours every day in the gym, running and swimming laps. Even during school breaks, even over the summers, even on holidays. As a result, I weighed 155 lbs my first two years of high school, which is 20 lbs under the ideal recommended weight for my height and frame size. I had no boobs to speak of, and very little in the way of a feminine figure. But my thighs still had cellulite and I still wore a size 13.

After I graduated and my activity level went down, my hips filled out and my boobs... As one of my favorite lines from opera ever, Cunégonde from Candide says: "My memorable mammaries like alpine peaks!" HOLY BOOBAGE, BATMAN! Suddenly I had a womanly figure. My breasts and hips made sense in relation to the thunder thighs and bubble butt I'd always had. I felt sexy and desirable and comfortable in my body for the first time in my life. I was also a size 16. Society says I'm not allowed to feel sexy and also be wearing clothes from the shameful section of the store marked "plus", but fuck society. I'd never gotten below double digit pant sizes even when I had a body fat percentage lower than my damn pant size! I am never going to be delicate and waifish, and I made peace with that a long time ago.

Anyway, all of that is to say that now you all get the joy of Dez and I gleefully ripping the plus-sized women's fashion industry to shreds. We're going to tear into all of the standards for hiding those unsightly rolls and lumps. Ruffles are a fat girl's best friend! And if in doubt, add more ruffles! Aymmetrical pleats to distract the eye so that it's almost as though you look like a size 4! Cut that neckline low, big ladies, because we all know epic cleavage is the only thing you're good for! Add as many tacky, unnecessary sequins, gemstones and beads as you can in the hopes that it will distract and confuse male suitors so that they won't notice you're fat. And of course, the shining gold star of the plus-sized girl's wardrobe; the empire waist. *insert angelic harp music here*